Hoseok
*Three Months Later*
The gang and I were in the back garden, enjoying a beer or two after Jin had been hard at work with the barbeque as he cooked the meat while Yoongi was helping him. The food had been absolutely mouth-watering and everyone was feeling stuffed.
The smell of food and the sound of laughter filled the air. Taehyung, Jimin and Jungkook were joking around as usual, this time with Yeonjun and Huening Kai.
Hanuel has been training the juniors, especially Yeonjun. There has been an even bigger improvement since she got involved in their training. She pushed them hard and heavy but it was to keep them safe.
All of us knew that soon enough the five of them will be climbing ranks. They would be trusted even more on missions and they would be Namjoon’s second group in command. After all, they had unlimited potential and with her guidance even more.
These three months, life has been calm…er. We’ve had the occasional trouble but that’s normal, after all, we’re a mafia group. We have not heard anything from the Scarlets which was obviously good news but Hanuel was still on edge. She often tried to hide it, to pretend she was not worried but I knew better than that.
Ever since she encountered those Scarlets three months ago, she had been training even more than ever. I often found her in the gym or target practice or simply practicing with her sword. It almost felt as if she built back the walls we had managed to break down. She still lets us in but she does not share her fears or worries.
I looked at her as she held five-month-old Logan in her arms. She was rocking him as he playfully grabbed at her hair. ‘I think the little guy is sleepy,’ Hanuel said as she looked up which forced me out of my stupor.
‘Seems like it. It’s his bed-time anyways,’ Myung said as she was ready to stand up, but Hanuel did before her.
‘I’ll go put him to sleep, don’t worry,’ Hanuel said with a genuine smile on her face. She always seemed so happy whenever she talked about Logan or held him.
‘Thanks. Can you make sure you set up the baby monitor please?’ Myung asked and she nodded.
‘Sure thing, got it,’ Hanuel said as she left the back garden. I saw everyone looking at her, a smile on each of our faces.
‘I wish we could see her this happy all the time,’ Myung said with a sigh. I nodded in agreement as Namjoon reached over to his tablet so that he could connect to the baby monitor.
‘She’s really great with Logan,’ Yeonjun said as he came over to look. He had a big, proud brotherly smile. ‘She was always good. I still remember how good she was with me when we were kids,’ he said before he sighed.
I looked at him and although he was smiling, I could see that heavy shadow weighing on him. Although their relationship has gotten so much better, the thought that she was sold off still bothers him. She might have chosen to ignore it but it’s always a reminder for him. He won’t ever be able to forget that his older sister was sold off to a league of assassins after his family got in debt because of his illness. Although not his fault, unfortunately he still carried the burden.
Suddenly, I heard a soft, melodic, almost angelic voice. My eyes grew wide and I inched closer to see. I almost gasped in surprise as I saw Hanuel singing to Logan as she put him to sleep.
‘Wow! I never thought she had such a beautiful voice!’ Jungkook exclaimed, excitedly and surprised.
‘Is she singing in Russian?’ Taehyung asked as I shrugged, not entirely sure.
‘It was a lullaby one of the older Scarlets used to sing to the newbies behind Domina Vindictae’s back,’ Myung said. ‘I had heard her sing it to Logan once and asked her about it,’ she explained further.
‘It sounds really pretty,’ Beomgyu said as he looked at her as if he had a big crush on her. I watched her, mesmerized until she came to a stop. I watched her as she tucked him in and gave him a kiss on the forehead before she left the room.
Soon enough she had come back and she sat down next to me. ‘Noona! You sang so beautifully,’ Yeonjun said as he also sat next to her. She just smiled and nodded but did not say anything.
‘Noona, would you ever consider having your own family. You know meeting someone special and having kid or two. You’re such a natural with kids,’ Jimin said.
‘I can’t Jimin,’ she said sounding almost defeated. I felt the pit in my stomach grow uncomfortably.
‘Is it because you’re scared of the life we live?’ Namjoon asked. ‘You know if you ever have a child, he or she would be protected just as much as Logan would,’ Namjoon said.
She scoffed and shook her head and suddenly, I did not like this conversation. ‘You don’t understand. Yes, I would be afraid but I physically cannot have children,’ she said.
‘What do you mean noona?’ Yeonjun pressed. Please stop! Please stop asking her! I mentally begged, knowing all of us were going to hate what she would say next.
‘Domina Vindictae changed the rules when she took over. At age sixteen, I was,’ Hanuel closed her eyes as her hands balled into fists. ‘They made me go through a surgery in order for me to never be able to have childre’ she said. Instantly, I heard gasps of surprise and horror. ‘They removed my womb. They… they said it would make me a more efficient killer and that I would not have a bond that could lead to betrayal,’ she said with another scoff.
‘Oh my God!’ Myung said as her eyes got teary. I felt my own stomach churn at the thought. I tried to imagine a sixteen-year-old Hanuel who was forced to do this procedure.
I looked at her but her face was expressionless. The only sign of emotions were her nails digging into her skin. I half expected her to mark her own skin with her nails. I reached for her hand from under the table as I slowly forced her to open her fist. She let me, even though she showed no facial reaction. I intertwined my fingers with her, hoping that I could offer her some support. She squeezed my hand almost as if she was saying thank you.
I dared to look at the others who looked between shocked and sick. Namjoon had almost a murderous gaze in his eyes as did Taehyung. They both loved children so the idea of her ability to have her own being taken away from was probably setting them on fire. I knew that if they could, they would go for Domina Vindictae themselves.
‘I’m sorry noona,’ Yeonjun finally said as he stood up. He had a single tear running down his cheek as he quickly wiped it away.
‘Why? It isn’t your fault,’ she said with a shrug. He scoffed, like she had the habit of doing. He shook his head, clearly not believing her.
‘Yes, it is. You went through so much because of me and here I am pretending nothing happened – that I did not ruin your life,’ he said, that feeling of self-blame really evident.
‘You didn’t Yeonjun,’ she said sternly. I looked at Yeonjun who looked as if he wanted to truly cry. Her eyes softened as she reached for him with her free hand. ‘Truth is, as hard as that life was, if I knew it would save you, I would have done it all over again. Please don’t blame yourself,’ Hanuel said in a gentler, almost nurturing voice. ‘The past is in the past and although I’ll never forget it, I know it made me stronger,’ she said, trying to reassure him.
‘I love you noona. So much,’ he said. I felt my heart ache at the reminder of how much they missed – of how much was taken away from them. I hated how much pain they had to go through
‘I love you too,’ she mumbled, her cheeks going slightly pink with embarrassment. She was never much good with public display of emotions.
Everyone had gone to sleep but I kept tossing and turning, unable to sleep. I stood up and went to my wallet. I sighed as I took out the photo of Minho. Suddenly, the room felt suffocating, so I decided to head outside.
I hurried through the dark corridors and went back to the back garden. I sat down on the bench and stared at the photo. Minho was only seven weeks in that photo. He was cute with his small, button like nose and his little smile that seemed to mimic mine.
I grazed my thumb over his delicate face. ‘God, I miss you so much Minhoni,’ I said as I felt my heart ache all over again.
Hanuel’s story made me think of my own. Her ability to have children was forced away from her just like my son was forced away from me. Why is the world so unfair?
I took a deep ragged breath that seemed to come back out staggered. ‘I’m so, so sorry I did not protect you my Minhoni!’ I said as a tear rolled down my cheek and landed on the worn-out photo. ‘I’m sorry I did not protect you and your mama my precious angel,’ I said as I kissed the photo.
Suddenly, I felt arms snaking around me and I could not help but flinch. ‘Shh it’s okay. It’s only me,’ I heard Hanuel say as she hugged me from behind.
‘I didn’t even hear you coming. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be sleeping?’ I asked as I put the photo down.
‘I could not sleep and then I thought I saw movement,’ she said. I smiled a little as I shook my head.
‘Do you ever even try to sleep without being constantly aware of your environment?’ I asked but she just hugged me tighter.
‘That’s not important right now. You miss him, don’t you?’ she asked and I nodded.
‘They took him away from me Hanuel. He was only two months. Minho and his mum were innocent. They never harmed anyone so why? Why did they have to get murdered?’ I asked as I felt both the anger and sadness coming back to me with full force.
‘I know Hoseok, I know. I know it’s not fair, it’s not right and I know it hurts. I wish I could make things right for you, but,’ she paused and I sighed.
‘But you can’t Hanuel. You can’t bring them back,’ I said as I shook my head.
‘No, I can’t but I can be here for you, just like you were there for me when my parents were murdered,’ she said, reminding me that she can understand because she has lost as well.
‘Will you come sit with me?’ I asked. I felt her nod as she let go and hurried to sit next to me. ‘Thank you,’ I whispered.
‘Don’t even mention it. Like you told me once. We may be at each other’s throat sometimes. We may insult one another, but, we’ll be there for one another too,’ she said and I nodded.
‘I think I like the sound of that,’ I admitted.